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No, my friends.
This is now the United States of Zombieland.
It's amazing how quickly things can go from bad to total shit storm.
And why am I alive when everyone around me has turned to meat?
It's because of my list of rules.
Rule number one for surviving Zombieland: Cardio.
When the virus struck, for obvious reasons...
...the first ones to go were the fatties.
Poor fat bastard.
But as the infection spread and the chaos grew...
...it wasn't enoughto just be fast on your feet.
You had to get a gun and learn how to use it.
Which leads me to my second rule: The Double Tap.
In those moments when you're not sure the undead are really "dead" dead...
...don't get all stingy with your bullets.
I mean, one more clean shot to the head...
...and this lady could have avoided becoming a human Happy Meal.
Woulda, coulda, shoulda.
Wasn't long before the zombies began to get clever.
When you're at your most vulnerable, somehow they could just smell it.
Can't a guy take a dumper in peace?
Don't let them catch you with your pants down.
Rule nimber three: Beware of bathrooms.
As zombies began to outnumber humans...
...well, that's when you had to cut all emotional ties.
If the girls in your neighborhood are now fucked-up little monsters...
...well, maybe it's time to stop driving carpool.
You had to focus on your own survival...
...which leads to rule number four. Pretty basic.
Fasten your seat belts. It's gonna be a bumpy ride.
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