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You know, so, like, I have this joke about how, like, you never see, like,
a very attractive, blonde, big-breasted homeless woman.
You know, like, like someone will take care of that person no matter what.
- That woman's gonna be fine. - All right, so here's the joke.
You can be attractive and stupid and make it in the world.
And you could be unattractive and smart and make it in the world.
But it's the ugly, dumb people who are really screwed
'cause they're ignorant and an eyesore.
- That's funny, man. - That's pretty funny.
I think that'll work.
I was thinking of doing this thing where, like,
I'm not good-looking and I'm not bad-looking.
Kind of, like, right in the middle, you know.
Like, if I had a good personality, I could get any chick in the world,
- but I don't. - Yeah, it doesn't work.
I auditioned for Budd Friedman at the improv.
He okayed me and made me a regular.
Budd won't even look me in the eye.
Man, that's... Good for you, man. Congratulations.
You shouldn't have lost all that weight, man.
There's nothing funny about a physically-fit man.
- I know. It's lame, right? - Yeah.
No one wants to watch Lance Armstrong do comedy.
Oh, God.
Hey, Ira.
Oh, hey, Mark. Can you do me a favor and never leave a paycheck
from your shit sitcom on my pillow ever again, please?
That is so rude of me to accidentally leave my paycheck
for $25,000 on your pillow. I'm sorry.
It's a dick move.
It's just, they keep coming, you know, week after week.
It's getting a little bit hard to keep track of them all.
You know what?
Becoming marginally famous has really turned you into an asshole.
Now listen, I'd love to stay here and chat with you
but we have company.
You know that girl comedian who lives across the street?
The one with the dark hair and the bangs?
Daisy, yeah.
Daisy, right. Well, I bumped into her outside and I invited her in,
and she's sitting in our living room right now.
She's out there right now?
She's hot and she's mousy, but kind of like...
She's mousy like a mouse you want to stick your dick in.
Yeah, you've gotta get out there and talk to her.
Why would you do that?
What do you mean, why would I do that? I'm trying to hook you up.
Well, I'm laying groundwork, man.
I got a three-month plan. You can't just throw me into this.
I'll give you 10 days on your three-month plan.
No, I need 80 more days than that!
Okay, I do this because I care about you. I do this to motivate you.
But I will fuck that girl in 10 days. I promise.
Come on, dude, I'm not cute like you.
I don't look like Jackson Browne. I look like Jon Favreau!
Don't do this to me. Don't make me fuck her.
Well, then just don't fuck her!
Don't you put me in this corner where I have to fuck my way out.
He'll do it, too. He'll do it. I've seen him do this before.
I'm gonna go out there and warm her up. I'll see you out there.
would - haría
world - mundo
woman - Mujer
laying - puesta
jackson - jackson
sitcom - comedia de enredo
homeless - sin hogar
think - pensar
wants - quiere
improv - improv
street - calle
unattractive - no atractivo
getting - consiguiendo
across - a través de
favor - favor
famous - famoso
eyesore - monstruosidad
becoming - devenir
doing - obra
daisy - margarita
about - acerca de
could - podría
corner - esquina
again - de nuevo
motivate - motivar
browne - browne
gonna - va a
accidentally - accidentalmente
attractive - atractivo
asshole - estúpido
favreau - favreau
company - empresa
after - después
armstrong - armstrong
personality - personalidad
bumped - golpeado
lance - lanza
little - pequeño
invited - invitado
comedian - cómico
bangs - golpes
leave - salir
because - porque
comedy - comedia
coming - viniendo
groundwork - trabajo preparatorio
gotta - tengo que
friedman - friedman
funny - gracioso
smart - inteligente
blonde - rubia
congratulations - felicitaciones
chick - polluelo
before - antes de
ignorant - ignorante
someone - alguien
physically - físicamente
mousy - ratoncito
lives - vive
thing - cosa
pillow - almohada
looking - mirando
matter - importar
middle - medio
okayed - aprobado
month - mes
outside - fuera de
paycheck - cheque de pago
never - nunca
people - gente
please - por favor
stupid - estúpido
person - persona
auditioned - audición
pretty - bonita
promise - promesa
really - de verdad
regular - regular
right - derecho
weight - peso
sitting - sentado
sorry - lo siento
stick - palo
breasted - pecho
there - ahí
mouse - ratón
thinking - pensando
three - tres
listen - escucha
throw - lanzar
nothing - nada
track - pista
trying - molesto
turned - convertido
living - vivo
watch - reloj
marginally - ligeramente
screwed - atornillado
where - dónde
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