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You know, so, like, I have this joke about how, like, you never see, like,
a very attractive, blonde, big-breasted homeless woman.
You know, like, like someone will take care of that person no matter what.
- That woman's gonna be fine. - All right, so here's the joke.
You can be attractive and stupid and make it in the world.
And you could be unattractive and smart and make it in the world.
But it's the ugly, dumb people who are really screwed
'cause they're ignorant and an eyesore.
- That's funny, man. - That's pretty funny.
I think that'll work.
I was thinking of doing this thing where, like,
I'm not good-looking and I'm not bad-looking.
Kind of, like, right in the middle, you know.
Like, if I had a good personality, I could get any chick in the world,
- but I don't. - Yeah, it doesn't work.
I auditioned for Budd Friedman at the improv.
He okayed me and made me a regular.
Budd won't even look me in the eye.
Man, that's... Good for you, man. Congratulations.
You shouldn't have lost all that weight, man.
There's nothing funny about a physically-fit man.
- I know. It's lame, right? - Yeah.
No one wants to watch Lance Armstrong do comedy.
Oh, God.
Hey, Ira.
Oh, hey, Mark. Can you do me a favor and never leave a paycheck
from your shit sitcom on my pillow ever again, please?
That is so rude of me to accidentally leave my paycheck
for $25,000 on your pillow. I'm sorry.
It's a dick move.
It's just, they keep coming, you know, week after week.
It's getting a little bit hard to keep track of them all.
You know what?
Becoming marginally famous has really turned you into an asshole.
Now listen, I'd love to stay here and chat with you
but we have company.
You know that girl comedian who lives across the street?
The one with the dark hair and the bangs?
Daisy, yeah.
Daisy, right. Well, I bumped into her outside and I invited her in,
and she's sitting in our living room right now.
She's out there right now?
She's hot and she's mousy, but kind of like...
She's mousy like a mouse you want to stick your dick in.
Yeah, you've gotta get out there and talk to her.
Why would you do that?
What do you mean, why would I do that? I'm trying to hook you up.
Well, I'm laying groundwork, man.
I got a three-month plan. You can't just throw me into this.
I'll give you 10 days on your three-month plan.
No, I need 80 more days than that!
Okay, I do this because I care about you. I do this to motivate you.
But I will fuck that girl in 10 days. I promise.
Come on, dude, I'm not cute like you.
I don't look like Jackson Browne. I look like Jon Favreau!
Don't do this to me. Don't make me fuck her.
Well, then just don't fuck her!
Don't you put me in this corner where I have to fuck my way out.
He'll do it, too. He'll do it. I've seen him do this before.
I'm gonna go out there and warm her up. I'll see you out there.
would - seria
world - mundo
woman - Mulher
laying - deitado
jackson - jackson
sitcom - sitcom
homeless - sem casa
think - pensar
wants - quer
improv - improv
street - rua
unattractive - pouco atraente
getting - obtendo
across - através
favor - favor
famous - famoso
eyesore - monstruosidade
becoming - tornando-se
doing - fazendo
daisy - margarida
about - sobre
could - poderia
corner - canto
again - novamente
motivate - motivar
browne - browne
gonna - vai
accidentally - acidentalmente
attractive - atraente
asshole - idiota
favreau - favreau
company - empresa
after - depois de
armstrong - armstrong
personality - personalidade
bumped - atingiu
lance - lança
little - pequeno
invited - convidamos
comedian - comediante
bangs - franja
leave - sair
because - porque
comedy - comédia
coming - chegando
groundwork - trabalho de base
gotta - tenho que
friedman - friedman
funny - engraçado
smart - inteligente
blonde - loiras
congratulations - parabéns
chick - pintinho
before - antes
ignorant - ignorante
someone - alguém
physically - fisicamente
mousy - mousy
lives - vidas
thing - coisa
pillow - travesseiro
looking - olhando
matter - importam
middle - meio
okayed - okayed
month - mês
outside - lado de fora
paycheck - cheque de pagamento
never - nunca
people - pessoas
please - por favor
stupid - estúpido
person - pessoa
auditioned - auditioned
pretty - bonita
promise - promessa
really - realmente
regular - regular
right - certo
weight - peso
sitting - sentado
sorry - desculpa
stick - bastão
breasted - de peito
there - há
mouse - rato
thinking - pensando
three - três
listen - ouço
throw - lançar
nothing - nada
track - pista
trying - tentando
turned - virou
living - vivo
watch - assistir
marginally - marginalmente
screwed - parafusado
where - onde
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