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So let me get this straight.
You want me to go visit my "sick mom"
that I haven't talked to in years, in prison,
- the day before my wedding. - Correct.
Not happening, asshole.
What the fuck did I do to you to make you hate me so much?
I am fucking baffled.
Maybe you don't remember, but you were basically the worst parent ever.
Me? I did everything for you, buddy,
and I never gave you an ounce of shit about nothing.
You never gave me nothing.
I gave you a snake.
Yeah, and then it died after it ate all your Quaaludes.
That was the only time anybody's ever seen a king cobra laugh.
And I take pride in that, so fuck you.
Yeah, great. You know what?
I basically had to raise myself, Donny.
I never learned how to swim.
I don't even know how to ride a bike.
You know fucking humiliating that is?
What about Mr. Mitty? Remember him?
What? No. What's that?
Mr. Mitty. I used to put an oven mitt on my hand.
He would cheer you up all the time when you were sad.
"Don't be upset, young man."
"I'm your best friend."
"Even though I'm an oven mitt."
No, I don't remember that, okay?
You know what I do remember?
You making me drive you home from the beach 'cause you got too drunk.
It makes sense to me.
When somebody's hammered, they have another guy drive home.
I was eight!
Well, you looked fourteen 'cause you were such a huge fat fuck.
I'm sorry.
You are such an asshole.
Dude, you're a millionaire now, and you're marrying that hot chick.
I must have done a pretty decent job as a dad, don't you think?
Oh, yeah? You want to check in on your pretty decent job?
Oh, my God.
You're a junkie? Who's your supplier?
'Cause I'll smack that motherfucker around.
It's insulin, you dick.
I'm a diabetic 'cause you let me eat cake and lollipops for breakfast every day.
But that's what you fucking asked for.
You're supposed to say no.
You know, I weighed 400 pounds by the time I was twelve.
You know how hard it was to take that weight off?
All right, all right.
I didn't know what I was doing. I had no one helping me.
Grandpa was a psycho. You know that.
Han Solo, don't be like this. I'm a good person.
Okay, don't call me that, all right?
My name's Todd now.
Call yourself Han Solo. You're dressed like him.
Good one.
I'm just saying, buddy, give me a chance.
Do you have any Axe body spray?
No, Donny, I don't have any Axe body spray.
Because I'm not a fucking douche bag.
That's a douche bag thing?
When did that become a douche bag thing?
Todd, the guests are arriving. Let's go!
All right, can you lighten up a little bit? We got a party to attend.
Good person, how about you put on a tie, okay?
It's a cocktail party, not a Quiznos opening.
What? I haven't worn a tie since my mother's funeral when I was three.
I'm not gonna start that up again.
That's great. Put on a tie.
- No. - Put on a tie!
I'll never sell out.
I'll give you a hundred bucks.
Where's the tie?
young - молодой
years - лет
worst - наихудший
weight - вес
weighed - взвешенный
wedding - свадьба
visit - посещение
upset - рассториться
three - три
though - хоть
happening - происходит
chance - шанс
guests - гости
remember - запомнить
gonna - собирается
sense - смысл
every - каждый
because - потому как
myself - себя
eight - 8
motherfucker - ублюдок
psycho - псих
raise - повышение
hammered - чеканный
everything - все
talked - говорили
beach - пляж
arriving - прибывающий
doing - дела
drive - водить машину
asshole - мудак
funeral - похороны
makes - марки
quiznos - Quiznos
dressed - заправленный
cobra - кобра
great - великий
baffled - дефлекторы
drunk - пьяный
around - вокруг
learned - научился
about - около
lollipops - конфеты
breakfast - завтрак
never - никогда
again - еще раз
basically - в основном
decent - порядочный
another - другой
buddy - дружище
diabetic - диабетический
supposed - предполагаемый
bucks - баксы
correct - верный
laugh - смех
straight - прямо
after - после
fourteen - 14
asked - спросил
chick - цыпленок
before - до
douche - душ
cocktail - коктейль
check - проверить
little - немного
marrying - жениться
helping - помощь
would - бы
start - начало
snake - змея
fucking - чертов
humiliating - унизительный
millionaire - миллионер
opening - открытие
hundred - сто
insulin - инсулин
junkie - наркоман
donny - донни
pride - гордость
lighten - светлеть
making - изготовление
yourself - сам
maybe - может быть
mitty - митти
nothing - ничего
grandpa - дедушка
thing - вещь
ounce - унция
parent - родитель
cheer - ура
party - вечеринка
person - человек
friend - друг
become - стали
pounds - фунтов стерлингов
pretty - симпатичная
prison - тюрьма
twelve - двенадцать
quaaludes - quaaludes
right - правильно
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