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So let me get this straight.
You want me to go visit my "sick mom"
that I haven't talked to in years, in prison,
- the day before my wedding. - Correct.
Not happening, asshole.
What the fuck did I do to you to make you hate me so much?
I am fucking baffled.
Maybe you don't remember, but you were basically the worst parent ever.
Me? I did everything for you, buddy,
and I never gave you an ounce of shit about nothing.
You never gave me nothing.
I gave you a snake.
Yeah, and then it died after it ate all your Quaaludes.
That was the only time anybody's ever seen a king cobra laugh.
And I take pride in that, so fuck you.
Yeah, great. You know what?
I basically had to raise myself, Donny.
I never learned how to swim.
I don't even know how to ride a bike.
You know fucking humiliating that is?
What about Mr. Mitty? Remember him?
What? No. What's that?
Mr. Mitty. I used to put an oven mitt on my hand.
He would cheer you up all the time when you were sad.
"Don't be upset, young man."
"I'm your best friend."
"Even though I'm an oven mitt."
No, I don't remember that, okay?
You know what I do remember?
You making me drive you home from the beach 'cause you got too drunk.
It makes sense to me.
When somebody's hammered, they have another guy drive home.
I was eight!
Well, you looked fourteen 'cause you were such a huge fat fuck.
I'm sorry.
You are such an asshole.
Dude, you're a millionaire now, and you're marrying that hot chick.
I must have done a pretty decent job as a dad, don't you think?
Oh, yeah? You want to check in on your pretty decent job?
Oh, my God.
You're a junkie? Who's your supplier?
'Cause I'll smack that motherfucker around.
It's insulin, you dick.
I'm a diabetic 'cause you let me eat cake and lollipops for breakfast every day.
But that's what you fucking asked for.
You're supposed to say no.
You know, I weighed 400 pounds by the time I was twelve.
You know how hard it was to take that weight off?
All right, all right.
I didn't know what I was doing. I had no one helping me.
Grandpa was a psycho. You know that.
Han Solo, don't be like this. I'm a good person.
Okay, don't call me that, all right?
My name's Todd now.
Call yourself Han Solo. You're dressed like him.
Good one.
I'm just saying, buddy, give me a chance.
Do you have any Axe body spray?
No, Donny, I don't have any Axe body spray.
Because I'm not a fucking douche bag.
That's a douche bag thing?
When did that become a douche bag thing?
Todd, the guests are arriving. Let's go!
All right, can you lighten up a little bit? We got a party to attend.
Good person, how about you put on a tie, okay?
It's a cocktail party, not a Quiznos opening.
What? I haven't worn a tie since my mother's funeral when I was three.
I'm not gonna start that up again.
That's great. Put on a tie.
- No. - Put on a tie!
I'll never sell out.
I'll give you a hundred bucks.
Where's the tie?
young - młody
years - lat
worst - najgorszy
weight - waga
weighed - zważone
wedding - ślub
visit - odwiedzić
upset - zdenerwowany
three - trzy
though - chociaż
happening - wydarzenie
chance - szansa
guests - goście
remember - zapamiętaj
gonna - gonna
sense - sens
every - dejte pozor
because - bo
myself - siebie
eight - osiem
motherfucker - skurwielu
psycho - psychol
raise - podnieść
hammered - młotkiem
everything - wszystko
talked - rozmawiał
beach - Plaża
arriving - przyjazd
doing - robić
drive - Napęd
asshole - dupek
funeral - pogrzeb
makes - czyni
quiznos - quiznos
dressed - ubrany
cobra - kobra
great - wspaniały
baffled - zaskoczony
drunk - pijany
around - na około
learned - nauczyli
about - o
lollipops - lizaki
breakfast - śniadanie
never - nigdy
again - jeszcze raz
basically - gruntownie
decent - przyzwoity
another - inne
buddy - kumpel
diabetic - cukrzycowy
supposed - domniemany
bucks - dolary
correct - poprawny
laugh - śmiech
straight - proste
after - po
fourteen - czternaście
asked - spytał
chick - pisklę
before - przed
douche - natrysk
cocktail - koktajl
check - czek
little - mało
marrying - żonaty
helping - porcja jedzenia
would - by
start - początek
snake - wąż
fucking - pierdolony
humiliating - poniżający
millionaire - milioner
opening - otwarcie
hundred - sto
insulin - insulina
junkie - junkie
donny - donny
pride - duma
lighten - rozjaśnić
making - zrobienie
yourself - siebie
maybe - może
mitty - mitty
nothing - nic
grandpa - dziadek
thing - rzecz
ounce - uncja
parent - roślina mateczna
cheer - dopingować
party - przyjęcie
person - osoba
friend - przyjaciel
become - stają się
pounds - funtów
pretty - ładny
prison - więzienie
twelve - dwanaście
quaaludes - quaaludes
right - dobrze
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