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So let me get this straight.
You want me to go visit my "sick mom"
that I haven't talked to in years, in prison,
- the day before my wedding. - Correct.
Not happening, asshole.
What the fuck did I do to you to make you hate me so much?
I am fucking baffled.
Maybe you don't remember, but you were basically the worst parent ever.
Me? I did everything for you, buddy,
and I never gave you an ounce of shit about nothing.
You never gave me nothing.
I gave you a snake.
Yeah, and then it died after it ate all your Quaaludes.
That was the only time anybody's ever seen a king cobra laugh.
And I take pride in that, so fuck you.
Yeah, great. You know what?
I basically had to raise myself, Donny.
I never learned how to swim.
I don't even know how to ride a bike.
You know fucking humiliating that is?
What about Mr. Mitty? Remember him?
What? No. What's that?
Mr. Mitty. I used to put an oven mitt on my hand.
He would cheer you up all the time when you were sad.
"Don't be upset, young man."
"I'm your best friend."
"Even though I'm an oven mitt."
No, I don't remember that, okay?
You know what I do remember?
You making me drive you home from the beach 'cause you got too drunk.
It makes sense to me.
When somebody's hammered, they have another guy drive home.
I was eight!
Well, you looked fourteen 'cause you were such a huge fat fuck.
I'm sorry.
You are such an asshole.
Dude, you're a millionaire now, and you're marrying that hot chick.
I must have done a pretty decent job as a dad, don't you think?
Oh, yeah? You want to check in on your pretty decent job?
Oh, my God.
You're a junkie? Who's your supplier?
'Cause I'll smack that motherfucker around.
It's insulin, you dick.
I'm a diabetic 'cause you let me eat cake and lollipops for breakfast every day.
But that's what you fucking asked for.
You're supposed to say no.
You know, I weighed 400 pounds by the time I was twelve.
You know how hard it was to take that weight off?
All right, all right.
I didn't know what I was doing. I had no one helping me.
Grandpa was a psycho. You know that.
Han Solo, don't be like this. I'm a good person.
Okay, don't call me that, all right?
My name's Todd now.
Call yourself Han Solo. You're dressed like him.
Good one.
I'm just saying, buddy, give me a chance.
Do you have any Axe body spray?
No, Donny, I don't have any Axe body spray.
Because I'm not a fucking douche bag.
That's a douche bag thing?
When did that become a douche bag thing?
Todd, the guests are arriving. Let's go!
All right, can you lighten up a little bit? We got a party to attend.
Good person, how about you put on a tie, okay?
It's a cocktail party, not a Quiznos opening.
What? I haven't worn a tie since my mother's funeral when I was three.
I'm not gonna start that up again.
That's great. Put on a tie.
- No. - Put on a tie!
I'll never sell out.
I'll give you a hundred bucks.
Where's the tie?
young
years
worst
weight
weighed
wedding
visit
upset
three
though
happening
chance
guests
remember
gonna
sense
every
because
myself
eight
motherfucker
psycho
raise
hammered
everything
talked
beach
arriving
doing
drive
asshole
funeral
makes
quiznos
dressed
cobra
great
baffled
drunk
around
learned
about
lollipops
breakfast
never
again
basically
decent
another
buddy
diabetic
supposed
bucks
correct
laugh
straight
after
fourteen
asked
chick
before
douche
cocktail
check
little
marrying
helping
would
start
snake
fucking
humiliating
millionaire
opening
hundred
insulin
junkie
donny
pride
lighten
making
yourself
maybe
mitty
nothing
grandpa
thing
ounce
parent
cheer
party
person
friend
become
pounds
pretty
prison
twelve
quaaludes
right
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