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Let me ask you something.
How come a guy like you...
wastes his time reading The National Enquirer?.
What's wrong with it?
I mean it's, it's trash, man.
You should be reading like the Times or something.
I read the Times for dinner.
But this... This is my dessert.
They got some contest at school. This writing thing.
- You ever enter one of those? - Writing contest?
- Yeah. - Once.
A long time ago.
Did you win?
Well, of course I won..
- Like money or something? - The Pulitzer.
Well they make all the students get up and read in front of everybody.
What the hell's that got to do with writing?
Writers write so that readers can read.
Let someone else read it.
You ever read your own book?
In public? Hell, no.
Barely read it in private.
You know those things you do, that coffee-shop reading shit?
You know why they do it?
Sell books, I guess.
Because they want to get laid.
Really? Women will sleep with you if you write a book?
Women will sleep with you if you write a bad book.
- Did it ever happen to you? - Sure.
Did you ever get married?
Not exactly a soup question, is it?
No. No, I never did.
But I learned a few things along the way...
which might be of help with this young lady you're always talking about.
Like what?
The key to a woman's heart...
...is an unexpected gift at an unexpected time.
You're giving me advice on women?
Unexpected gift, unexpected time?
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