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Can I please get the garbage omelet, double meat, home fries...
and how about everything bagel...
...with butter, cream cheese, jelly, all that shit.
And then, you know what? I'll take a chocolate shake.
And I will make it very easy for you.
- You know, I'll have that same exact thing. - Okay.
- I'll just have the turkey burger. - Okay.
Is there a way to just wrap it in lettuce, like use lettuce as if the bun?
- We can do no bun. Does that work? - No bun. Yeah.
Fries or salad?
Uh, I'll get the salad with dressing on the side.
- Yep, coming up. - Thank you.
Wow! - What?
- That's like... you're eating like a bird there, huh? - No.
He's visiting Erin for Thanksgiving and worrying about his weight.
- All right. - Jesus. - I told you not to say anything.
We haven't seen each other in a while, okay? So...
Okay, I get that. I understand. That makes sense to me.
- Wanna tighten up. - I get you, I get you.
I mean, If you're so worried about your appearance,
are you gonna do something about your veiny, white skin? Mm.
'Cause right now you look like an actor in a kabuki troupe.
- You're really want to talk about appearances. - How so?
No offense, but with the moustache...
- What? You don't like it? - It's disgusting.
I don't care what you think about this. This is not for you.
Who's it for, the ྏ Yankees bullpen?
Very funny.
No, I'm actually trying to scratch a very specific demographic off my fuck-it list.
What's a fuck-it list?
He's got this list, it's like a bucket list...
but it's all the women he's trying to bang before he dies.
So, what kind of women are you hoping to attract with your moustache?
Older women, between 45 and 60.
Oh, so, cougars.
- This is where it's weird. - No. No, not cougars.
Okay, see, cougars, to me, are sad, desperate
older women that want to be young now.
Okay? But what I'm looking for are older attractive women...
that want to be young again. All right?
See, when women see me with a moustache of that type...
they're transported back to a time when the moustache was king:
- The '70s, the early '80s. - Right.
All right? The era of their sexual awakening.
So then, when I'm on top of them, and they look up at me...
they see this person, they're transported back to that time.
All right? See, this isn't a moustache, it's a time machine.
It's a time machine to the back of Burt Reynolds' Camaro.
Right. You know what, it's... - Bottom line is, dude, don't get a moustache, get a tan.
I don't think she's that kind of girl.
I just don't think she's that superficial. - Really?
Okay, so she won't bang fat dudes...
but she will sleep with a guy who has skin
that looks like his face is covered in jizz?
Bro, If she's gonna dump you for eating too many carbs...
she's definitely gonna dump you for not having a tan.
That's true.
All right, I get the point.
yankees
worried
white
weight
wanna
visiting
trying
think
while
their
thanksgiving
thing
superficial
worrying
transported
something
shake
weird
sense
scratch
right
really
salad
point
person
omelet
offense
makes
looking
sexual
older
lettuce
butter
covered
burger
dressing
early
looks
exact
where
bullpen
actor
there
bucket
carbs
bottom
chocolate
before
demographic
actually
appearance
please
between
veiny
bagel
garbage
cheese
jesus
other
about
attractive
understand
appearances
sleep
gonna
thank
anything
camaro
women
double
young
awakening
disgusting
turkey
troupe
moustache
cougars
again
cream
specific
hoping
definitely
machine
fries
desperate
eating
attract
kabuki
jelly
coming
everything
dudes
funny
tighten
having
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